Arbutus Coaching’s Blog

Welcome to Because Life Isn’t a Dress Rehearsal, a blog written by life and business coach Kathy Santini, owner of Arbutus Coaching. This blog contains coaching tips and advice to help you become the most self actualized, effective person you can be, both personally and professionally. If you’re serious about “growing your possibilities,” and transforming your life, then you’re in the right place. My goal in writing this blog is to help you create a life that is easier, bigger, richer and more rewarding than the life you’re living now. So let’s get started shall we, because life isn’t a dress rehearsal and time’s a wastin’.

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Coaching tip - Generosity begins with self-care

By admin | July 31, 2007

An friend of mine named Andrew wanted to change his life and change his life he did. He put his house in L.A. up for sale and within 30 minutes it was gone.  A week later, he was in New York City, looking for a new place to live. He wrote to a group he and I belong to, telling us how generous a member  of our group named Kim had been to him.  A flurry of emails followed, from a number of people, also singing Kim’s praises. 

Although I hardly know Kim at all, my guess about her is this. Kim gives so lovingly of herself to others, because she’s got something left to give. And the only way to have something to give to others is by first giving to yourself, or what in coaching terms we call practicing self-care.  We’ve all had the experience of having people “generously,” offer to do something for us, only to have them complain throughout the whole experience. I believe that’s because they themselves are running on empty, and they have nothing left to give.

So the next time someone asks you for something, take a moment before answering yes and seriously ask yourself if you have anything to give. Or would everyone  be better served if you began looking after yourself? Self-care is the starting point for me with all my coaching clients. Because if good self-care practices are lacking, chasing after a goal or dream is like building a house without a foundation. And we all know what happens to a house of cards.

What, if anything, do you currently do, to practice self-care? If your answer is nothing, don’t worry, it’s never too late to start. You might explore: starting a meditation practice, having down time just for you, taking a walk in nature, going for a manicure or pedicure, or starting an exercise program. And if you can’t rationalize doing it for yourself, do it for your loved ones. They, like my friend Andrew, will be ecstatic to be on the receiving end of a cup that’s flowing over, like our friend Kim’s, over finding themselves at a well that’s run dry.  Generosity truly begins with self-care.

Topics: Self care | No Comments »

The importance of community - a coaching perspective

By arbutuscoaching | July 23, 2007

I just returned from a week at Esalen, a legendary, leading edge, personal development and transformation centre in Big Sur, California. I would be surprised if you hadn’t heard of it, if you’re someone like me who has been interested in the human potential movement for a long time now. But in case you haven’t, Esalen is where the heavyweights in the 60s (and I don’t mean Mohammed Ali and Joe Fraser) hung out, trying out their new treatment modalities. People like Abraham Maslow, of self-actualization fame and Fritz Perls, famous for gestalt therapy, were just two of the many who worked their magic at Esalen. I don’t have a lot of complaints about being born a boomer, but if I had one, it would be that I wasn’t at Esalen in the 1960s, to watch these human potential giants, and many others like them, work their magic.

But I digress. After five intense days at Esalen, I returned home. Our group has committed to staying in touch virtually until next year, when many of us plan to return to deepen our skills with our teacher. What struck me was the number of comments from those attending the course in the flurry of emails afterward about what a special group we were. It was and/is a great group, but I don’t think it was that special or great. I’ll explain why in a moment.

I was chatting with a friend last night, another coach and she was talking about a coaching workshop where one of the participants waxed on about how great it was to have so many interested people around him; that this level of interaction wasn’t something he experienced at home. His comment, like the ones from our Esalen group, is less I think about the groups we were in and more about how hungry for community we are. The Internet has isolated us, technology has increased the demands on us and it’s now expected that we be available 24-7. I’m not in denial about the advantages technology brings. Now we can have relationships with people in virtual communities, people we wouldn’t have been able to interact with before. While our virtual world is undeniably bigger, for many of us our local community has shrunk, to make room for the other. Afterall, there are only so many hours in a day.

For example, do you know many of your neighbours’ names? Or are you so busy doing what you have to do to stay ahead of the man in our North American society, that you don’t believe you have time for those antiquated, social pleasantries. One of my neighbours had a block party on Saturday night, so I happen to know my neighbours’ names, in fact I knew many of them before the party. But many people do not. These people, your neighbours, are the people that you’ll rely on if your house burns done, if your child goes missing, or if you need a lift to work when your car breaks down.

Is your virtual community going to hold you when you cry your heart out after your wife asks for a divorce? Or when you learn you have breast cancer? Don’t get me wrong, they have their role to play. After my cancer treatment, I wanted a second opinion and it was a woman on a cancer list who gave me the name of the doctor I should consult. Irony of ironies, while the doctor lived in San Francisco, the woman did not; she lived here in Victoria, a mere five miles from my home. Although we lived in the same city, our paths had never crossed. Consequently, had it not been for that virtual community, I wouldn’t have gotten that information I needed, at least in not such a timely fashion.

My point is this. It’s important that we enjoy all your communities, virtual and reality. (There’s a TV show in here somewhere.) Just be very, very sure that you know the strengths of each community and which one is going to be there in the crunch, when things go sideways. Our hunger for community is a normal one, and one that goes back to way before we were running around in loin clothes like Barney and Betty Rubble. I believe it is best fed by human, not virtual interactions. If you find yourself hungry as well, ask yourself what’s the one step you can take today, to increase your sense of community where you live? Wondering why that’s important? Because Life Isn’t a Dress Rehearsal.

Topics: Community | No Comments »

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